Trying..

I feel ready to start blogging again. Life has been weird for a long time, I've felt really out of balance and confused and overwhelmed. Im trying really hard to take back the control and feel like Im the captain of my ship again. There is a massive amount of things in life that one would like to have control over and I'm trying to find the balance between the things that I can control, should control, can't control and shouldn't give a flying fuck about. I've realized that I only have control over myself.. and I haven't always been willing or been able to fully do that.

In the last week I've pushed myself harder physically than I ever have in my entire life. To the average, in-shape person.. it would probably be pathetic. But to me, its been the biggest hurdle I've ever had to climb. I honestly didn't know if I would physically be able to exercise the way I wanted to. I've always had such high expectations of myself that it has almost backfired on me. If I can't do something the best... I don't want to do it at all. I want to be that person that can jog 5 miles straight... can i do it? Nope. So I've never even tried.

Eight days ago I finally just decided to go to the park across the street and just see what I could do. I planned on just doing one lap around the park just to see how it would go. 1 lap happened to be pretty easy.. so I kept on walking and did a second one. I was still alive so I did a third one. One and half miles might not be something to celebrate to a lot of people but to me It gave me hope. It helped me realize that my body was able to do this.. I just hadn't been willing to push it to do it. The next day I did a full two miles and now 8 days later Im doing 3 miles daily plus about an hour of tennis whenever I have a free night. I know this weight is going to come off of me. I've been waiting 15 years for this weight to come off of me, to feel like the person I feel like inside matches what I look like on the outside. Most of all, I just want to be healthy. I don't want to burden anyone I love with feeling sad when they look at me and how overweight and unhealthy I am.. or even down the road as we all get older, I want us all to be healthy so we get to enjoy each others company for as many years as possible.

I just have to take each day as it comes and try to make intelligent choices about what I consume and how much Im moving. I've always attached to many emotions to my obesity.. and while its hard not to because its such a personal inner struggle... at the end of the day its math. Whats coming out needs to be more than what I'm putting in and I just need to remember that.

I am a dreamer. I've always been a dreamer. Dreaming of what could be, could have been, what could but never would be. What I lack in action is made up for in extreme hope and faith in something entirely different than what my actions are pursuing. I dream of wild fantasies, of a different life that has never been my own, would never be my own. I've been building my own demise and the pathway to that demise contains everything but what I truly want. The person I see is not myself. She has never looked the way I should. I should be beautiful. Smaller and warmer. Cheekbones large and protruding, almost freak like, their severity lessened only by my wide round eyes. They shine, almost sparkle in vivid shades of green. So wide with hope, desire and power. Power to attain the things I crave, and bravery. Her eyes speak with out sound, her heart is worn on her sleeve. Its unprotected but still guarded. Long black locks of hair swirl out from her scalp and sway perfectly as she enters rooms. Mysterious but everything is given away, or what is to be perceived as everything by her eyes. Even as a child, the confidence that I was somehow better, more thoughtful, more open, more deserving of my heart skipping a beat, of that persons attention.. felt as though it belonged to me, yet it wasn't me. This life that I felt someone like myself was meant to have has never been more than a fanciful wish, that someday maybe by chance I would wake up from the nightmare of this chain of mediocrity and entirely usual events that have been my actual life, claimed my life. I'm good at things. Good. Good is the blandest and worst of all complimentary words that exist in the human language. The only thing worse than being good at something is being OK at something.. and only because that means that you aren't even good at that something. I'm good at most things, and I feel with little effort I could be good at anything. I will never be spectacular at anything. There in lies the problem with being good at most things...just good enough. Good enough to pretend that I might have some sort of special skill, somewhere.. or maybe if I tried just a little bit harder I could excel at some, one thing. But that's not me. Perhaps its the completely self obsessed part of me that believes that this can't possibly be true, that i contain something just a little better than everyone else, something that shines a little bit brighter but has been dimmed, probably even burnt out by this relentless fear and inability to actually do anything. I think of doing things. I dream of doing these amazing things, being looked at as something not ordinary, something of greatness, and power, and beauty. Of others knowing that there is something about me, that isn't like them. That my compassion for their suffering is great, hindering and sometimes all together consumes me. I worry more about you.. them.. anyone before myself. I ignore and become removed, rather, I remove myself. There is sadness, but mostly confusion as to why I instinctually make the wrong choice. I see myself as so powerful and willful with an almost animalistic need to attain membership in this world I so badly want to be a part of but I remain stalled and motionless. I don't know if I'm even necessarily falling backwards or if its just that I can't keep up.

I don't know if sadness is even the right word. Somber?
Dismal.

I <3 My Family.

Last week was super nuts but I loved every second of it. My little sister got married and my brother Billy and his family flew out for the wedding and to spend time with family in general. The wedding turned out really nice, I honestly didn't get to enjoy myself much, but it was Wendy's day to not have to worry about a thing so I think that I accomplished that! She looked really beautiful in her dress, and Chris performed the ceremony. He got a lot of compliments on it and I think it may have been a neat enough experience for him that he wants to do more.


The younger kids all wore their halloween costumes (the wedding was on halloween!) and they all looked so cute! Lora was a pirate, I made her the costume and she seemed to really like it! Its the third costume I've made for her.. last year I made her "a very real" looking Sally costume.. even hand painted the exact patterns on the different colors of fabric.. and the year before I made her a cute fairy princess costume. Its fun to be able to make stuff for her, I can tell she feels extra special in the handmade costumes and knows that most kids have to wear gross plastic cheapo ones. Billy and Christy's kids went as minnie and mickey mouse and were totally adorable!
I was so happy to get to spend as much time as I did with Billy and Christy and their kids. Its crazy that you can love little kids so much that you don't even get to spend that much time with. I feel like Alana (minnie mouse!) genuinely gets it that I'm her Aunt and I feel like we have a fun little bond even though I only get to see her a couple times a year.


Sunday night after the wedding everyone came over to my house to just hang out and eat wedding leftovers. We managed to get everybody there so of course we had to take a picture.. there is a lot of us and this is only the 2nd time in probably a decade that we've all been in the same room together! Last weekend was great and really made me so thankful for my family. I can't imagine ever having as many kids as my mom had.. but I really feel like people with super small families are missing out! My family rocks!

This feels much different than 4 years ago.

I have a lot to write about and many pictures to share from the last week or so of my life.. my little sister got married and my brother Billy and his family came out to visit and while both are extremely important to me, this is really important too. For as long as I've been aware of politics and government, George W. Bush has been the president of this country - It's pretty mind boggling to try and even think that tomorrow we will have a new president-elect and there is absolutely no chance of it being Bush. 4 years ago I voted and hoped and waited and hoped and watched and I went to bed that night knowing that Kerry had lost and it was going to be another 4 years of W. I feel very different today than I did 4 years ago. I really feel like I just went and voted for the next president of the united states.

Just some stuff..

Yesterday was my little brother James' birthday, I can't believe he is really all grown up, 18 years old. I remember turning 18 and who I thought I was at the time and what I thought I believed and it's interesting to think that James is now that age, in my head he is still that cute little boy in his blue jammies holding Tiggy outside our house in Rexburg, Idaho. I think maybe thats one of the reasons its hard to see him as a "person", I see him and who he is and it just dosn't connect right in my brain.. he is still 5, not 18. We had a nice little get together at my house for him and it was nice to have everyone together.




Lora and I went down to my garden to finally pick the pumpkins I grew and I have to say, I'm pretty proud of them! First garden ever, and I managed to get some good looking pumpkins! I let Lora choose whatever one she wanted and she picked the worst one. I wasn't surprised at all.. I would expect nothing else from that little girl! Little girl.. I don't know how much longer I even get to call her that, yesterday she looked more grown up than ever.. even in her "Clarissa Explains it All" inspired outfit!


Yesterday got me extremely excited for the next week or two. My brother Billy and his family are flying out and my sister Wendy is getting married on Halloween. It will be nice to have everyone all together since it rarely ever happens. <3

I'm F***CKING Seth Rogen!

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

I loved the Sarah Silverman/Matt Damon & Jimmy Kimmel/Ben Affleck video a LOT... but I might like this one even better because I have a secret crush on Seth Rogen.. too funny!

This makes me angry.

I got this photo off of a cnn.com article about gas prices, which have fallen over 40% in the last month. FOURTY PERCENT?? Weird, I know I'm not a mathematical genius but a little over a month ago I was paying $4.15 per gallon of gas (which was still among the highest in the country) and now im paying $3.50 per gallon of gas.. somehow that dosn't equal 40% less, its actually about a dollar shy of being 40% less.

What is even more puzzling, is the fact that in most other places in the country the regular-cheapest gas is 87 octane, here in utah the regular is actually 85 octane which is EVEN CHEAPER, yet we still pay more!

I live 15 miles from one of many huge oil refineries here in Utah, a refinery owned by Flying J that somehow is able to transport gas to gas stations in New Mexico to be sold for $2.85 a gallon .. yet they can't transport it 15 miles for less than $3.50 a gallon.

It makes absolutely no sense.