Trying..

I feel ready to start blogging again. Life has been weird for a long time, I've felt really out of balance and confused and overwhelmed. Im trying really hard to take back the control and feel like Im the captain of my ship again. There is a massive amount of things in life that one would like to have control over and I'm trying to find the balance between the things that I can control, should control, can't control and shouldn't give a flying fuck about. I've realized that I only have control over myself.. and I haven't always been willing or been able to fully do that.

In the last week I've pushed myself harder physically than I ever have in my entire life. To the average, in-shape person.. it would probably be pathetic. But to me, its been the biggest hurdle I've ever had to climb. I honestly didn't know if I would physically be able to exercise the way I wanted to. I've always had such high expectations of myself that it has almost backfired on me. If I can't do something the best... I don't want to do it at all. I want to be that person that can jog 5 miles straight... can i do it? Nope. So I've never even tried.

Eight days ago I finally just decided to go to the park across the street and just see what I could do. I planned on just doing one lap around the park just to see how it would go. 1 lap happened to be pretty easy.. so I kept on walking and did a second one. I was still alive so I did a third one. One and half miles might not be something to celebrate to a lot of people but to me It gave me hope. It helped me realize that my body was able to do this.. I just hadn't been willing to push it to do it. The next day I did a full two miles and now 8 days later Im doing 3 miles daily plus about an hour of tennis whenever I have a free night. I know this weight is going to come off of me. I've been waiting 15 years for this weight to come off of me, to feel like the person I feel like inside matches what I look like on the outside. Most of all, I just want to be healthy. I don't want to burden anyone I love with feeling sad when they look at me and how overweight and unhealthy I am.. or even down the road as we all get older, I want us all to be healthy so we get to enjoy each others company for as many years as possible.

I just have to take each day as it comes and try to make intelligent choices about what I consume and how much Im moving. I've always attached to many emotions to my obesity.. and while its hard not to because its such a personal inner struggle... at the end of the day its math. Whats coming out needs to be more than what I'm putting in and I just need to remember that.